i would punch a child for taco bell
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I enjoy the company of your penis
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
