Already got asked if we're dating
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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