Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Randomize
