Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
