I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
