I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize