george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
