I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Two words: nipple clamps
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