ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I AM VODKA MAN
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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