do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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