if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
operation harelip BJ is a go
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
