my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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