Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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