names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she peed on how many people?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
