YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize