I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
