You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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