Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i dont even know how to be here
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
