my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
