I can tuck mytits in my pants
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
