don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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