I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize