we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
