You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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