paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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