It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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