Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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