I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
