dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
