Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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