happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
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