I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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