Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
