My liver just broke up with me...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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