Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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