just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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