It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
