I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
