I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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