Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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