if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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