I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
