Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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