Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
