I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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