On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
