...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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