I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
