so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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