If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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