Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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