Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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