I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
