If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
