he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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