found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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