Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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