I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
